To Have And To Vote
For better or for trapo, for richer or for (an ill-gotten wealth that made us all) poorer, in fake news and in health… wives share what it’s like to be in a marriage during, arguably, the most divisive election in Philippine history.
By Kristine Gabriel (Cavite, Philippines)
February 14, 2022
"Who is this guy?"
I mused, deeply interested, as I looked at his photo on the online dating app. His smile is shy despite the fact that he is sitting on top of some mountain he just conquered. I am not the sporty type, but maybe he can bring me to new heights (pun intended). Plus, his photos are in high resolution with proper lighting. Yeah, that matters to me. So I continued screening this potential match, and after reading his profile, I swiped right. The yellow screen flashes declaring we are a match.
First talk jitters, I am never a good conversationalist, but he is easy to talk to. He is polite, funny, and can keep the chat rolling. He is more than just a "Kumain ka na ba?" (“Have you eaten?) type of talker. We shared about the shows we watch on Netflix (he even has the humor to joke that I may be a Tinder Swindler), and we laughed about our dogs and their weird mannerisms.
We can talk about basically anything until we go to a topic called politics.
The moment I found out who he would vote for in this coming election, the spark quickly flew out of the window. I even heard the popular Tiktok audio running in my head - "Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no noooo."
Yeah, a solid "Oh no."
Is it because we are not voting for the same candidate? No.
I just knew it won't work based on who he is voting for. I wanted to understand why he chose this aspirant, and he began talking about how the country was so much better during their family's reign. I witnessed, firsthand, a human being's capacity to reminisce based on someone else's stories. And the validity of those stories does not matter AT ALL.
“So sometimes, in our own fairy tales, we are surprised when the years of relationship reveal that the Prince is more than just charming. He, just like his politics, is complicated too.”
We decided to unmatch.
As a screenwriter, I am aware of the power of stories. It can build worlds, bend truths and bring escape. Especially romantic stories… the ones I'm used to writing through the years and I can say that my earliest orientation in storytelling is love stories.
But in the plethora of fairytales I watched and read growing up, I realized that the pair immediately ends up in marriage after an epic quest. They never talk about their plans after happily ever after. That is too real to be part of the escape.
And, of course, we can't expect a fairy tale to discuss the nitty-gritty of love. That is our job as adults, yet at times, we forget. Like how I forgot to ask my Tinder match about his political stand because I was more curious about his dog.
So sometimes, in our own fairy tales, we are surprised when the years of relationship reveal that the Prince is more than just charming. He, just like his politics, is complicated too.
***
"Who is this guy?"
My friend DIANE* thought as she looks at her husband JAKE*. Diane and Jake have been together for seventeen years. Six years as a couple that started back when we were still students, and eleven years married with three beautiful children.
They conquered it all. The sleepless nights of finishing school requirements, raising their first child at the age of 23, giving birth to their youngest during a pandemic, Diane and Jake are some of the rare couples who survived the storms in their marriage.
But the upcoming 2022 elections revealed an unfamiliar turf for Diane. She is surprised that her husband will vote for Marcos Jr. - the candidate she doubts the most. More than a decade of being together, this is the first time Diane and Jake argue over a candidate. She has never seen this side of Jake as they usually agree who to vote for every election.
Diane and I are both Journalism graduates, and unlike me, who ended up writing fiction, Diane became the purveyor of facts through teaching. She is now a college professor conducting various talks on media ethics, and one of her advocacies is to battle fake news. I watched one of the webinars organized by Diane and her co-teachers on how to spot fake news and it was so thorough yet sincere that you can feel the dedication of the people behind it.
I asked her what her reaction was upon learning Jake's vote.
"Ay, may ganyan pala siya. Ngayon ko lang nalaman," (So there is actually that side of him we never knew,”) we laughed in chorus as she pointed at her husband playing with their child in front of her.
Jake, however, is that kind of father - a playmate to his children. He willingly dresses up and puts on make-up to attend his daughter's tea party with a bunch of dolls. Jake also dances awkwardly, following his child's instructions on Tiktok. He is a "fun dad" who trades his ego to make his children laugh.
"Hindi ka awkward na naririnig n'ya?" (“Doesn’t it feel awkward that he hears you talk about him like this?) I asked Diane with concern.
"Alam naman niya. Pinagtatalunan nga namin," (“He knows it anyway. And we always argue about it [Jake’s vote],”) she laughs again as Jake gets out of the room, joking that he does not want to hear his candidate being criticized.
"Rational naman siyang tao dati. Kung anu-ano kasi pinapanood," (“He used to be a rational guy. Until he started watching those random videos [online],” Diane sighs, her tone lighter than her faint smile.
“Ironically for Diane, a soldier against fake news, Jake gets his information from questionable sources. Diane shared that her husband prefers reading unverified but entertaining online posts and watching unreliable vloggers. This results in his algorithm flashing more dubious sources. “
Ironically for Diane, a soldier against fake news, Jake gets his information from questionable sources. Diane shared that her husband prefers reading unverified but entertaining online posts and watching unreliable vloggers. This results in his algorithm flashing more dubious sources.
The nature of these posts - quick, catchy, and uncomplicated - lured Jake to approve these kinds of content. Diane thinks that maybe the fact that Jake grew up in a “comfortable” life is a factor and she can’t help but compare his life to hers whose family is a working middle class. He prefers bite-size and fun content because once it gets complicated, it eliminates the comfort. And Jake is not that used to the uncomfortable.
"Do you invite him to watch your talks?", I asked with curiosity, searing through the roof.
"Oo, pero walang pilitan," (“Yes, but I don’t force him to,”) she answered casually. She even followed her invitations by talking to Jake about their children's future.
"Iba kasi ngayon eh. Pandemya. 'Daddy, sino talaga makakatulong sa future ng ating mga anak?' pag tinanong ko na siya n'yan, aalis na siya," (“It’s [the elections] different this time because of the pandemic. ‘Daddy, who among them would really be able to help build a better future for our kids?’ Everytime I ask that question, he’d walk out on me,”) she ponders still with a smile.
The pandemic indeed is a game-changer.
NAT* agrees with Diane as the three of us continue the chat over zoom. Like Diane, Nat is also a school barkada (friend), and the fiercest among us, I must say. When someone made fun of my posted photo back in college, Nat would storm the comments section defending me in a flash. She is a woman made of fire.
"Nakakapagod na makipagtalo kaya 'wag nalang," (I’m so tired of arguing so I’d rather not,”) Nat says casually followed by soft laughter.
"Ikaw? Pagod makipagtalo?" (“You? Tired of arguing?”) I teased her while staggered by her statement at the same time.
Nat's husband, GINO*, supports a different candidate - Mayor Isko Moreno - because of what the man did in the city of Manila. I met Gino a couple of times. He is confident, and he makes an effort to fill the air gaps in conversations. I can say that his students in aeronautics will never get bored.
The ocean of knowledge in Gino's head is what constantly surprises Nat in their four-year relationship. Occasionally, Gino's random comments on things make Nat blush. She admires how much her husband knows and how assertive he is. But these are the very same traits that annoy her too sometimes. Nat spills that she will never win against her husband.
Like Nat, Gino is also made of fire.
“He prefers bite-size and fun content because once it gets complicated, it eliminates the comfort. And Jake is not that used to the uncomfortable.”
And when a couple is both made of fire, one has to back down. Or else they will end up burning the house.
Nat witnesses this in her own parents, who are supporting different candidates. She feels a tinge of embarrassment every time she remembers that her father is a die-hard DDS. Her mom explodes in rage every time her father shares fake news and posts meant to bring down a particular presidential candidate. Nat shares that her father compromises and deletes his posts so the war will end temporarily.
It is exhausting for Nat. Talking to your parents about politics and defending your candidate to your husband. She recalls a time when Gino asked her if she was offended because of what he said against her candidate. Nah, it's just politics. She lied, choosing her battle.
Because Nat's battles as a work-from-home employee, a mother, a baker, and a fitness advocate are tiring enough, she simply and carefully distributes her fire in those roles where it is much needed. Anyway, politics is just a thorn from a bush they surmounted in their relationship.
Gino and Nat have faced several battles as a couple. A product of whirlwind romance, they're against all odds relationship did not start smoothly. But both in the difficult and in the mundane moments, Nat saw how much Gino cares for her and their daughter. So the differences in politics will not tear them apart.
"Tinanong niyo ba sila bakit hindi nila iboboto 'yung choices n'yo?" (“Did you ask them already why they won’t vote for the candidate you chose?”) I prodded.
Diane shares that for Jake, her chosen candidate VP Leni Robredo did not grieve enough when her husband died. According to her husband, VP Leni puts this strong face in front of everyone and did not even wonder if it was really an accident that took her husband’s life or if it was a political assassination. For Jake, Leni just let things be (when it comes to the issue of Jesse Robredo’s tragic death).
Meanwhile, as someone who worked for the government, Gino shared that he felt they were not taken care of during PNOY’s term and thus, he will not vote for another member of the Liberal party.
"Pero independent candidate ‘yung iboboto mo, 'di ba?" (“But your chosen candidate is an independent, right?”) I asked.
Nat says that Gino believes VP Leni is still under the control of the Liberal Party. Plus, the fact that the candidate's campaign manager is an Aquino makes it all the more an immediate repellent for Gino.
"What about your Dad?"
Nat rolled her pretty eyes with annoyance. We laughed, curious. She shared that her Dad can't pinpoint why he hates VP Leni. She tried asking him one time, and he simply remarked: "Mayabang kasi." (“She’s arrogant.”)
A pause. I just nod, sensing that Nat does not want to talk about it further.
"Mahalaga ba sa inyo na pareho kayo ng boto ng asawa n'yo?" (Is it that important for you that you and your husband must vote for the same candidate?”)
"Sana pero wala namang magagawa kasi magkaiba kami." (That’s what I hope for but there’s nothing you can do about it because we’re different [people].” Nat shared that she respects her husband's decision. "Basta 'wag niya lang iboboto 'yung iboboto ni Jake. Betrayal 'yun," (“As long as he doesn’t vote for Jake’s candidate because that would be a betrayal,”) she said half-jokingly. Diane laughed. I then asked Nat why she considers that a betrayal.
“Pia has been trained to talk about complex topics like politics through the countless dinners she shared with her father. And James, a history major, is open to exchanging arguments with Pia. This coming elections, they decided to vote for the same candidate.”
"Ibang usapan 'yun, values 'yun," (“That’s a different conversation altogether. It already has something to do with one’s values,”) Nat answered sincerely.
"Huwag kayo mag-alala mga mars, nung isang araw iniisip niya Ping naman daw. May pag-asa.", (“Don’t worry, ladies. Days ago, he was considering Ping [Lacson] already. There’s hope,”) Diane shared, bringing laughter in our video call, followed by a nod from the two that politics is a headache to discuss between couples.
"Walang mananalo.", (“No one wins in this [political conversation],”) Nat blurted.
"Aminin n'yo, mahal niyo rin kasi kaya minsan ipipikit na lang.", (“Admit it. You love them and so sometimes, you have no choice but to just shrug it off,”) I teased them.
"Mas nasa hope na magbabago rin 'yan," (“It’s really more of holding on to the hope that he’s gonna change his mind,”) Diane smiled with so much faith in her husband.
***
"Who is this guy?"
PIA* (34) laughs as she shares that her younger brother must be wondering as he stares at former President Joseph Estrada's photo. It was the Year 2001, and Pia was only 14 years old while her brother was around ten. Their father brought them to the second EDSA Revolution.
The talk on politics has always been part of their household. Pia recalls that her father watches the news most nights then invites a discussion over dinner. As a pastor, Pia's dad is comfortable talking about anything under the sun. And this habit is something that Pia carried over in her eleven years of marriage with JAMES*.
Pia has been trained to talk about complex topics like politics through the countless dinners she shared with her father. And James, a history major, is open to exchanging arguments with Pia. This coming elections, they decided to vote for the same candidate.
"Anong nakapag-decide sa inyo to vote for her [VP Leni Robredo]?" (“What made you decide to vote for her [VP Leni Robredo]?”)
"Tiningnan namin track record at previous success ng mga tatakbo. Parang sa kanya pinaka magiging stable 'yung trabaho namin pareho," (“We looked into the track records and previous successes of all the presidential aspirants. And it looks like [it is in her leadership] that both our jobs will be the most secure,”) James shared.
"Tsaka gumagawa na siya, lalo na ngayong pandemic,” (“And she’s been doing a lot [of good work] already especially this pandemic,”) Pia followed.
“It is exhausting for Nat. Talking to your parents about politics and defending your candidate to your husband.”
Pia is a People Lead in a famous online app, and James is a Senior Manager in a BPO company. In our barkada (group), we call them the "power couple", and the two laugh dismissing us every time we mention this. They somehow identify with their candidate's competence.
"Pero babae siya. (But she’s a woman.) Aren't you annoyed or threatened by a woman leading the country?" I asked James.
"Babae nga CEO namin eh," (Our CEO [at work] is a woman,”) he answers in an instant. James shared that he has been exposed to competent female leaders through the years. So he does not mind if the candidate is male or female; he just needs someone who will get the job done.
"Imagine kasi six years 'yun ng buhay natin." (“Imagine. That’s gonna be six years of our life.”) I sensed his concern. This year, James will also list the senatorial candidates he will vote for, believing that this election is crucial.
"Ay gagawa ka pala, ako nga rin,” (“So you’re making that list. Then, I’m gonna make one too,”) Pia laughed, feeling competitive against her husband.
The couple even encourages undecided relatives to consider their candidate. They talk about the elections despite the bitter taste it brings to some because they do not want the votes of their loved ones to go to waste due to a lack of information.
"If malaman n'yo na sa eleksyon, ang iboboto pala ng asawa mo ay 'yung kandidato na wala kayong tiwala, anong gagawin n'yo?" (“If [hypothetically] you find out that this elections, the one your spouse is going to vote for is someone whom you don’t trust, what will you do about it?”) I asked.
"Maghihiwalay kami," (“Then we shall separate,”) they answered almost in unison, leading to laughter.
"Paano ‘yung eleven years n’yo together?" (“But what about those eleven [good] years of being together?”) I asked, surprised.
"Kasi sino siya? Bakit siya boboto ng magnanakaw? Parang nagsinungaling lang pala siya sa akin sa lahat ng taon na kilala ko siya. Ganun siya ka-personal." (“[I’d ask] who is this person? Why would she vote for a plunderer? It’s like she’s been lying to me all those years. That’s how personal [this election] is to me.”) James is serious.
"'Yung kandidato na babaero, siguro mabibigyan mo pa ng chance magbago. Pero 'yung kandidato na corrupt tapos walang remorse? Dapat dun tayo sa may konsensya.", (“If a candidate is a womanizer, I might be able to give him a second chance. But someone who’s corrupt and who doesn’t feel any remorse about being one? That should bother our conscience,”) says Pia.
"Maghihiwalay kami,"
***
“Who is… Love?”
Love and politics are rarely seen in one frame. Maybe because of how love is presented in our environment and in real and reel stories.
Love should be an escape.
Yet, the fairy tales did not talk about the "after" in happily ever after. Characters in classic rom-com movies and Kdramas hardly ever discuss politics over their partners, and our parents hide disappointment with each other to present a perfect marriage. We treat love as a delicate bubble we are afraid to burst.
But because we are obsessed with protecting the concept of love, we also deny giving it a chance to grow and be recognized from a different facet.
Jake is not choosing Diane's candidate because he identifies as a husband to the female aspirant's narrative. He measured her pain based on the typical portrayal of a grieving woman – lost, flooded with tears, miserable. And these are the traits that he can't see in this female presidential candidate. Her strength and moving forward were seen as a wife forgetting the husband than a wife continuing his legacy.
Like a lot of men and women in our country, Jake is still trapped in the conventional love and family narrative. I remember in grade school, I was taught that fathers are the "haligi ng tahanan” (“the home’s foundation”). This may be the reason why to some, wives are supposed to be helpless without their husbands. The house should crumble once they are gone.
The nation is still in the process of accepting that females are strong too, forgetting that we were birthed by one. Maybe this is why Nat's Dad is annoyed with how "mayabang" (“arrogant”) this female candidate is because we are not used to women tooting their own horns.
“The nation is still in the process of accepting that females are strong too, forgetting that we were birthed by one.”
It is the husbands who discuss their wins in business, career, and sports, among others. So when wives begin to be the trumpets of their own victories, they are perceived as annoying and "bida-bida” (a conspicuous achiever).
We treat love and politics as if the two exist in different worlds.
Love is the escape; politics is the reality that needs to be escaped from.
But maybe we can begin teaching ourselves that love and politics can meet halfway. Because love is not always comfortable.
The test of love is talking about, arguing, and discussing difficult things while keeping compassion for one another. It is bursting your own bubble together to face the ugliness of the world without losing respect to the other person.
Maybe we do not need to be in sync when it comes to our politics all the time. But it is necessary to open a space for complicated discussions where we can listen with an open heart.
Because in the end, if we embrace the discomfort of difficult conversations such as politics, then we’ll have lesser reasons to escape from our “real” world.
Maybe… just maybe, an “ever after” isn’t just about the “lived happily” part. When it comes to deciding a crucial future for our children, perhaps, a truthfully ever after - uncomfortable as it may be - should be the best punctuation to every love story.
*Editor's Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals interviewed for this piece.
