Never JUST A Mom
Let all mothers speak. And by all means, let them say it out loud.
Photo from A Mother’s Story (Star Cinema)
By Tetz Agustin (Marikina, Philippines)
March 2, 2022
“Hi, I’m Tetz and I’m a mom…”
For a good two years, this was how I introduced myself to anyone, including myself. For someone who used to be a lot of things, I felt like the role of “mother” superseded everything else.
As it should.
Yeah, I know that’s what you’re thinking right now. It’s a privilege to be a mother. It’s a blessing and a gift. And it is. I don’t think anyone is arguing against that. But the societal and cultural conditioning surrounding motherhood as solely this thing of “beauty” is all fiction.
Mind you, my 7-year old is the best thing EVER, but then again, so am I.
And so are you.
So let’s try this on for size… just for this moment, my dear reader and mom-friend, we are calling a spade a spade. Let’s pretend that it’s just you and me right here. You don’t have to prove anything to me. Motherhood isn’t a competition. We’re no longer in high school. No more rankings, stars, and hierarchies. Imagine yourself holding the hand of another mother who is just as afraid and fulfilled at the same time as you are every day. Again, at this moment, we give each other permission to say it. No judgments. No right or wrong. You simply are allowed.
Ready?
“So to anyone who tells you to quit going on coffee dates or getting your hair or nails done, tell them to please keep their opinions to themselves.”
“Motherhood will complete you.”
With the above introduction, you know this one hits close to home. Moms are told not just by the world but by their own family that there’s no better or more sacred job than being a mother. Be that as it may, some women will find fulfillment as a person by being a mother and some will not.
You are not a “bad” mother by wanting more.
When I gave birth to my son, following a very difficult pregnancy of almost weekly trips to the ER and being on complete bed rest from five months onwards, I couldn’t bear to imagine leaving him with a nanny. I couldn’t even imagine leaving him with my mom. I gave up a career as a film producer to be a stay-at-home mom.
I wouldn’t change that decision even if you paid me all the money in the world.
But motherhood did not complete me. It created expansion for me.
Motherhood made me truly see that I was worthy of more.
To be given the privilege of being a steward of another life does not make us limited but empowered to be more.
The world may not agree and may make you feel like you shouldn’t want more. It may make you feel bad about wanting to go back to work, or start a business of your own. It may make you feel bad about wanting to have 30 minutes to exercise. It may make you feel bad about missing your pre-motherhood self who felt she had more doors open for her.
But she’s still there, just planted in a different spot but still immensely capable of blooming where she is and where she will be.
“Your life will never be the same.”
Now, obviously, there is so much truth to this, so why is it even on this list?
While it’s true that motherhood changes us, it’s a lie to believe that it means leaving all that makes you YOU behind. At the heart of who you truly are is a beautiful soul that your child needs to witness and get to know.
Moms are told to give up everything from their pre-mom life including those that made them happy. You are allowed to have more than one thing that makes you happy, even if that one thing is your child. So to anyone who tells you to quit going on coffee dates or getting your hair or nails done, tell them to please keep their opinions to themselves.
Going to the grocery store is not self-care. It’s not “me-time” either. It is an errand every household needs to get done. It’s not some glory trophy to be handed to you as a mom because you get 30 minutes to an hour alone.
Neither is a shower or a bath for that matter.
There is so much crap surrounding the changes in a mom’s lifestyle that most feel guilty when they give themselves anything.
Like you suddenly cease to become an individual human being, a woman who has needs of her own. Big fat lie.
“Motherhood is the next best chapter of your life.”
Yes. Until it prevents you from having a life.
If you have little ones under 3 or a newborn, it will definitely feel like it. I still vividly remember spending most of my days alone with my kid. We opted not to have a nanny after a brief few months and a horrible experience of horror nannies. But it does get “better” if you allow it to.
It’s easy to get stuck in this feeling of helplessness and settling while justifying the “good work” and the “sacrifice” you are doing as a mother.
You're not doing yourself any favor and you’re letting the resentment build up. Trust me. Ever had your own mother at least once in emotional fury tell you how much she has sacrificed or given up for you?
I’m sure you don’t want your kid to experience that.
But the truth here is that life as you know it is over in a way. The only constant in life is change and your life has to change. You have to, whether you like it or not, or life will make you.
The acceptance and surrender necessary to go through this transition coupled with the drive to evolve and the awareness of who you are will be your guide.
“Mom, you are not just your womb. You are not your womb at all.”
“Being a mother makes you worthy.”
A good friend of mine shared this romanticized statement about how a woman’s worth is tied to her uterus’ capacity to reproduce.
In this day and age, for a woman’s worth to be tied to her capacity to be a mom is insane. We see celebrities being bashed for being married “long enough” but not yet having children. We see couples being judged for their decision not to have children. I have two friends who are actually happily married without children. This was a conscious decision they made prior to getting married. And most, if not the entire world, would consider them awful people for not fulfilling their “greater purpose.” What utter BS.
Women who struggle conceiving have time and again been made to feel useless. Women who suffer miscarriages get asked “what they did” and have their grief bypassed and unprocessed all in the name of “looking at the silver lining.” I can’t remember the number of times someone told me to look at the bright side of having an easier time getting pregnant after a miscarriage.
There are women who despite all the science and prayers simply cannot have children. What does that make them? How about when they decide to adopt instead? Give birth via surrogate or IVF?
In every case, the woman is deemed lacking. Unworthy of being a woman, at all.
Mom, you are not just your womb. You are not your womb at all.
“You’ll have the best support system you’ll ever need in other mothers.”
The truth is having a village helps a mom raise her child. We downsized our life and moved back to my hometown a few months after giving birth so that we can be close to my family.
It’s been a lifesaver for sure to have a family to call in for emergencies and times we absolutely needed it and couldn’t handle it between my husband and I.
More than family though, what truly helped me was forging new relationships with both old and new mom friends (99% online!). From the ins and outs of breastfeeding to baby-wearing and just having an understanding heart to listen without judgment. That was priceless.
Unfortunately, those are also few and far in between, which is why I treasure them more
You’d think that the rise in Facebook groups for moms would provide the support moms need but it’s not always the case.
In these groups, I’ve witnessed other moms judging other moms, and harsher than others do despite probably being the best person to understand what the other is going through.
You have your Bible-quoting comments that may soothe the mom at a later time but don’t really offer any practical advice. Worse, has nothing to do with what the mom is seeking help for and often subtly just makes the mom in need feel worse than she already does.
Moms judge themselves harsher than anyone ever could. There is no need to slap them down at their lowest.
You have moms in these groups projecting their own issues and imposing their own beliefs onto other moms. You have moms, despite group rules, who find ways to promote their online business in the comments when it doesn’t answer or provide what the mom in need requires in her post (Seriously, this is not the way to promote your business online.).
I was lucky the landscape was different when I needed these groups the most. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic boredom and stress but it’s changed drastically in recent years.
I truly wish we can be better for each other.
***
This list could go on and on but you get the picture.
Motherhood does not invalidate the woman who came before the mother, nor the woman she will grow into.
In Neopaganism, we have the Triple Goddess deity archetype where you have the aspects of the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone all in one being. (While I am not asking you to subscribe to this belief, I am asking you to keep an open mind with what these archetypes represent.
These three aspects represent the stages of a woman’s life and these archetypes can also be found in the works of psychologists Carl Jung and Erich Nuemann.
While this may represent a great number of things from the phases of the moon to phases of motherhood, what I would like you to consider is remembering that you are all three.
You are the Maiden, who was once a child, who had dreams of her own, who falls in love, and who basks in excitement.
You are the Mother, who has known both what creation and death really mean whether that be the creation of life or loss of one; the creation of a new you, and the loss of some parts of you.
But you are also the Crone, the Wise Woman, the woman of freedom and personal power. Regardless of which stage of womanhood you are in
In you are these three, the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone.
In you are curiosity, dreams, magic, and joy.
In you is the ability to create and destroy.
In you is the wisdom and power to be and freedom to have what you desire.
You are never just a mom.
You are a woman.
